Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store