ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.