ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born