ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else