TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
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[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit