Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
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Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.