Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
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“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day