My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
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I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Just a friendly reminder!
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.