NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
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why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad