@cjwerleman

Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.

@cjwerleman

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

@cjwerleman

Vanilla Ice arrested for grand theft. Cops say, “He jumped in the car, slammed on the gas
bumper to bumper, the avenue’s packed.”

@cjwerleman

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

@cjwerleman

When Obama declared war on Ebola, an executive producer at Fox News tried to find it on google maps.

@cjwerleman

I think the only thing Fox News hasn’t yet accused Michael Brown of is stealing Darren Wilson’s bullets. #ferguson

@cjwerleman

Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I’ve heard for making racists dehydrate to death.