i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
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am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Breaking news:
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts