[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
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Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Duck typos.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”