If women do the splits, do men do the banana splits?
One of the hardest parts of being a parent is discovering your 6 year old is better than you at every video game ever.
At some point in time, the brain named itself. You think it would have gone with something a little better, like Bernard.
ISIS, meet ebola. Ebola, meet ISIS. Problem solved.
My electric toothbrush ran out of batteries so I had to brush with my acoustic.
I can’t stand it when people don’t know the difference between your and you’re. There so stupid.
Ask your doctor if an unnecessary over-prescribed medication so he can get kickbacks from a pharmaceutical company is right for you.
It would make more sense to put a teacher in every gun shop.
Soft on Wall Street. Hard on Sesame Street. Romney 2012.
Wondering why we have 50 candidates for Miss America, but only 2 for president. Also, why no swimsuit competition?