If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
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14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
🖤✌🏽
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes