Typos are what differentiates is from robots
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welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Something Saturday.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem