Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
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I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school