Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
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This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away