my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao


me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it



me: I’ll have the salad

waiter: any fruit in the salad?

me: mandarin please

waiter: my apologies sir, 沙拉里有水果?


[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that


walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust


peter pan: welcome to neverland where everyone’s a kid

me: who’s that guy

peter pan: that’s captain hook

me: why isn’t he a kid

peter pan: wHy iSn’T hE a KiD shut the fuck up


cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that