my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
me: I’ll have the salad
waiter: any fruit in the salad?
me: mandarin please
waiter: my apologies sir, 沙拉里有水果?
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
me: can i sign ur cast
movie director: no
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
peter pan: welcome to neverland where everyone’s a kid
me: who’s that guy
peter pan: that’s captain hook
me: why isn’t he a kid
peter pan: wHy iSn’T hE a KiD shut the fuck up
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that