real estate agent: this house has 1 bedroom, 50 hallways, and it’s haunted.

pacman: sold


[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now


me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too


I admire goats because I also eat garbage and scream at people


teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example


friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*


doctor: take it easy on your joints from now on

me: ok


me: [talking to my blunt] i’m sorry I called you fat


my crush: do you wanna go out?

me: haha sure

CDC: [rips off hot girl mask] WRONG ANSWER


me: the apple never falls far from the tree

friend: is that why its floating

me: yeah gravity is hella weird here


date: tell me about yourself

me: I want to kill the moon

date: I have a bit of a dark side too

me: [narrows eyes]