@climaxximus

real estate agent: this house has 1 bedroom, 50 hallways, and it’s haunted.

pacman: sold

@climaxximus

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

@climaxximus

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

@climaxximus

I admire goats because I also eat garbage and scream at people

@climaxximus

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

@climaxximus

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

@climaxximus

doctor: take it easy on your joints from now on

me: ok

(later)

me: [talking to my blunt] i’m sorry I called you fat

@climaxximus

my crush: do you wanna go out?

me: haha sure

CDC: [rips off hot girl mask] WRONG ANSWER

@climaxximus

me: the apple never falls far from the tree

friend: is that why its floating

me: yeah gravity is hella weird here

@climaxximus

date: tell me about yourself

me: I want to kill the moon

date: I have a bit of a dark side too

me: [narrows eyes]