The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
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There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Its a hippotatomus
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.