I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
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PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Can Happiness buy money?
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.