Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
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I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Every house has this drawer
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up