wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
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People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*