What’s this sorcery? 😂
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“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.