*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
You Might Also Like
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
when there are deer in the woods
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
What