Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
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Saturday
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Who called it baking and not making love
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”