“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
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*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.