@cluedont
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
@cluedont
@cluedont
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
@cluedont
BBC: ‘Much of Scotland’s coastline still being battered.’ They will literally deep fry anything.
@cluedont
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
@cluedont
Always put the important stuff in the first part of your tweet, because no one will cat basket the walnuts if there’s pickletits at the end.
@cluedont
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
@cluedont
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
@cluedont
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
@cluedont
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
@cluedont
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.