@cluedont: BBC: 'Much of Scotland's coastline still being battered.' They will literally deep fry anything.

@cluedont: It's actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say 'You can do mine next if you want!'.

@cluedont: Always put the important stuff in the first part of your tweet, because no one will cat basket the walnuts if there's pickletits at the end.

@cluedont: My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

@cluedont: You don't fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

@cluedont: I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there's no need.

@cluedont: If you want to set up a company and run it then that's your business.

@cluedont: If I was Phil Collins I'd rub my belly after every meal and say 'I'm Full Collins', then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

@cluedont: Why does my wife always wait until I'm at the opposite end of the house before asking me to 'Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!'?