The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
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I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh