When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
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me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday