People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
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GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?