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me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
good for her
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy