“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
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Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Science memes
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good