We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
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*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
.. do you even science?
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Cinematography is my passion
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins