Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
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Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Y’all ready for this
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
one of
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Growing up was a huge mistake