Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
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Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’