My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
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A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
“you changed” bro i was 15
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
mechanics be like
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that