I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
#DesignFail
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Meat Cute
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest