I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
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He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Nothing.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
A friend sent me this.