I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
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My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Finally, a door that understands me
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.