I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
You Might Also Like
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Nice try, NASA
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Van Gone
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*