Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
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I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off