This why you should mind your business
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.