Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
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“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
dutch is not a serious language
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
jesus christ confetti not now
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”