“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
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To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Word!
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us