Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
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Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
This pepper has seen some shit
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.