Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
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Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?