“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
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I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
japanese corn
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…