i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
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Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case