@conanobrienswyf

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.

@conanobrienswyf

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

@conanobrienswyf

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.