I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
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Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police